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GLAMOUR, GROCERIES AND GLUTTONY [Feb. 2nd, 2010|10:17 am]
Oh my GAWD, y’all, this crazy oklahomo weather does the nastiest things to my skin and nails! Right now, I look like an eighty year old recluse that does not moisturize, clip or trim! The minute you find me locked in a room surrounded by mason jars full of my own urine, please call my aunt Eunice for help! She really would not be any help at all, but the idea of her arrival would definitely shock me back to reality. And hopefully, we would have time for me to shower and groom myself and all of us get the hell out before she shows up with her bible and accordion!

The feeling of being trapped is worse than actually BEING trapped I think. While I was out sweeping, shoveling and salting, I started to crave (CRAVE!) french fries! I was sweating, re-freezing and weeping because the sheet of ice that entombed the lady bug car would not budge. The windows are clear-except for the windshield. I managed to open the door to start it and warm it up, thinking the defroster would take care of that nasty chunk of ice, but no.

So here I am…trapped like a fat, wet rat. Cold and without french fries. And by the by, in case you did not know, body piercings conduct cold a whole lot better than they do heat! My nipples are as raw as a hooker on nickel night at the brothel! And…the damn sweater I was wearing managed to twist and turn the rings to the point that they were upside down! But I did not notice right away because my nips were like ice cubes. I came in and changed back into my shorts and tee shirt, but decided I should attempt to get the ice off the back steps, because the dogs go sliding into the snow when they go outside. So I am standing out on the back steps in socks and flip flops, beating the hell out of this ice, see, and I notice the cute real estate fag two houses down is shoveling his driveway. And of course he is looking all pretty and not sweaty at all. I was trying to be subtle as I did not want him to turn and see how tragic I looked.

What happened next occurred within two seconds or less…The dogs went running/sliding down the steps, tripping me along the way and I sort of “half fall”. Thankfully, my knee and the shovel caught me… but the shovel also twisted my tee shirt to where the entire neighborhood could see my belly – had they known to look. As I was trying to right myself, I noticed the nipple rings felt awkward. And me being the OCD queen that I is, felt that those should be adjusted before anything else. OUCH! That is when I screeched and cussed loud enough to cause icicles to fall from the roof. So there I stood…tee shirt up and wrapped around the shovel handle while adjusting my nipple rings. In flip flops and shorts. You all should be lucky if, in your lives, you get to experience such a glamorous and sexy feeling!

I do not EVEN want to know if the pretty real estate fag saw. I forced myself not to turn around. I managed to stand up, pull my tee shirt down, dust myself off and breathe deeply for a second or two. Then, ala Rhoda Morgenstern, as I went to climb the steps, I slipped again. Oy, the glamour of it all was too much. And me with no vodka…or french fries.


It is the day after. Thankfully, last night, the M called from work and said he was jonesing for a cocktail. I did not tell him about my sexy, exposed nipple ring, white belly day. We skated and scraped atop the ice on 39th street and managed to find a dry spot in the parking lot at TRAMP’s. After that, my memory is a blur.

Today, I had to get out! I figured with the temp being semi tolerable, that the ice would be slightly melted and I REALLY wanted those french fries! I went to the grocery store first. THAT was a huge mistake. At the risk of sounding like an uptight, conservative republican…Why come nobody reminds me about food stamp/social security day at the grocery store?! Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds…collecting enormous amounts of sugar, fat, salt and carbohydrates on the government dime!

The Crest Market had very few parking spots and the entire store stunk to high heaven! I am not trying to equate people on assistance with stinky-osity. There is a huge difference between the 90 year old, dressed in her “going to town” clothes, hobbling slowly down an aisle, and the filthy, lard-ass twenty year old cow who uses two carts while dragging several dirty children behind her.

Honestly, it was one of those rare situations when one keeps their lips together and teeth apart so they can murmur things like “Really!” and “Oh…My…GAWD!” without looking like they are saying anything at all. I swear to god, I am not a snot-ass. Some of the best conversations I have had have been with chatty old ladies in the grocery store. But this day the only convo I had was with a skinny smart chick that made me laugh because we were constantly dodging each other in the produce aisle. We had a nice chat about making soup. I did not have to encounter any fat, stinkies until I got to the dried, pre-fab, boxed potato aisle. Unfortunately, this aisle also stocks my Asian food products.

I think it is hilarious that the government is worried about “don’t ask – don’t tell”, primarily because of the (quoting dude on cnn) “hyper testosteroned, uneducated, lower class, old fashioned, tough teen agers with a limited world view…” BUT, they do not worry about filthy, stinking, lard-ass hillbillies pushing two carts full of processed-frozen crap, chips, soda and boxed potato product that they are getting for free. Was that a run on sentence? Sorry. I am sure everything in this paragraph is related somehow…but I find I am too flustered to figure it out. Maybe something about the government perpetuating a cycle of lazy, blissful and ignorant gluttony that eventually leads to seducing ignorant young recruits with a promise of a better life than they remember? Either way, the grocery store made me think about all that is wrong in the world.

At the Crest Market, when the wind is just right, one can stand in the parking lot and either smell the delightful aroma of Chen’s All You Care To Eat Trough, mixed with a little Gopuram Indian Cuisine (they are both on the same side so the smells blend), Burger King’s infamous flame broil or (my fave) the enchanting fried-goodiness that is Long John Silver!

After spending all those hours craving french fries and then having to dodge fat, stinky people in the grocery store, I was totally ready to go straight home and make a spinach and veggie wrap…which is what I did. Did it sate the french fry craving? Not really. However, I was freaking stuffed for hours. Stuffed to the point that eventually I completely forgot about the french fries. And that is how it should be.
Link6 spews|spit it out, hookers!

THE COMMERCIAL THAT CBS IS AFRAID TO AIR! [Jan. 30th, 2010|07:29 am]
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Tell them not to be such pussy-bitches!

Link1 spew|spit it out, hookers!

SANTA CONQUERS MARS [Dec. 25th, 2009|05:52 am]
"We're from Mars. Don't be afraid."

Linkspit it out, hookers!

BAD WEATHER IN OKLA-HOMO...WHAT A SHOCK! [Dec. 24th, 2009|07:29 pm]
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Alright y’all, I cannot see ANYTHING outside of my den windows! There is a snow drift that covers the bottom part, and then the radically blowing snow has managed to cover almost the rest. The only spot that is not covered is toward the top where the ceiling vent is aimed!

Yes, it is snowing. A lot. And the wind is insane! If I were in a different state, I would totally make fun of okla-homo! However, here I be, so I better be nice. I would hate to jinx myself into another “ice storm 2007” situation!

In case you missed it on CNN, the winds are exceeding 50 mph. It is causing the snow to swirl in fierce looking little tornadoes!

STATE OF EMERGENCY DECLARED. The wind blows funny and they declare a state of emergency here. Goofballs. I figure it is just an excuse to preempt television.

And, as usual, the local news is wearing me out SO MUCH! Since the holidays are upon us, the real news crews are off vacationing, so we are stuck with the second stringers. Some of them are really good, but more often than not, they are so very terrible. That bitch, Jessica Shambach (sp?) has the worst television voice I have ever heard. It makes my teeth. And they stuck that poor little Chinese gal out at the airport knowing full well that she would be trapped for the night! I hope she is getting some overtime and hazard pay! Once those cheapo, lard-ass southwest airlines passengers drain the snack bars, vending machines and restaurants, Miss Chang better hightail it out to the mobile newsroom and lock the doors behind her!

On a slightly different note, our cutie neighbor boy has disappeared for the holidays and left his two dogs “sort of” alone. One of his tricks has been by nightly, I am guessing to feed them. They are outside. They have a little doghouse – type shelter, but I am very concerned about them. I trudged over there earlier and they seemed fine…both in the shelter and alert. But this is treacherous weather. They are friendly enough, but I am afraid to go into the backyard. And of course, with road conditions like they are, I bet the little trick boy is not coming by tonight.

OK…I just walked over there, through about 10 inch drifts! I have not dealt with 10 inch ANYTHING in a long, long time. Oy.

Thankfully, it is not really that cold…until the wind blows. Both dogs were outside of the shelter and seemed ok. I took them a Rubbermaid of food and some water. I could not get the gate open to leave the blanket. I will try again after the snow stops blowing!

And now the Mexican family on the corner has left their old, OLD cocker outside. He was yapping enough for them to notice. When I get back outside, I may have to go give them a piece of my mind. Of course that will be hard as the only thing I know how to say in Spanish is “Sit on my face, daddy, seats five!”

Anyhoo, I do not hear him yapping anymore, so maybe they let him in.

Let me take this opportunity to lecture all animal owners. Please do not be stupid bitches! We always need to take care of senior citizens, children and animals. Screw all the able bodied adults what can take care of themselves. My ideal retirement hobby is to be comfortable enough so’s I can drive around and find humans who are thoughtless to their animals and exact the same behavior on them. Y’know? Find the asshole who dumped his animal off somewhere, knock him over the head, throw him in the trunk and drive him a hundred miles out into the wilderness and strip him of any ID, money and cell phone, then just leave him!

This just in: 14 inches. DADDY! My bottom hurts just thinking about it!

Anyways, the idiots on the local news are reminding stranded motorists NOT to call 911. I am sorry, but those are the goobers that drove off into a blizzard and left their animals alone at home. They effin’ deserve to be stranded.

Thankfully, the M is safe and sound up in the mountains of Possum Grape, oklahomo…trapped with his family.

Oh! You know what sounds hot?! The Red Cross is setting up local high school gymnasiums across the state as emergency shelters. Can you imagine? Having to be stuck in a gym and shower with truckers. Why come they never do that during nice weather?


Well, y’all, I have to go bake another batch of cookies for the tramps at TRAMP’s. Later.
Linkspit it out, hookers!

CHRISTMAS TREATS [Dec. 22nd, 2009|11:32 am]

Linkspit it out, hookers!

THE HALF ASSED HOLIDAY BLOG [Dec. 10th, 2009|10:07 am]
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[i am... |boredbored]

Hi, y’all! Did everyone have a delightful summer and fall? It has been awhile since I popped up here, but there has been the biggest shitstorm plaguing us for the past six months or so, I was lucky to have internet access at all! The big, brown lightening bolts of poo interfere with the signal, y’see?

I actually began this entry to write and print my grocery list. But seeing as how I cannot think straight (HA!) just yet this morning, I figure I will give you the scoop.

Onions – red/white/yellow
Romaine lettuce

Let us begin with summer…when the brewery started gunning down employees faster than you can say “OUCH!..Take it out!” I understand the economy sucks and businesses are doing what they can to save money, but still! Offer me a buyout, or a short layoff. Anything. Do not think I will encourage loyalty to your company when you make up silly shit to shuffle people out the door. I was one of those shuffled people. And although I cannot go into great detail at this time, trust me, when the mess is all over, y’all will be the first to hear ALL the gory (and now legal) dirt!

What I can share here is that I cannot believe I gave up my goals, dreams, friends and home because of my misguided loyalty and hunger for security, only to be abandoned by the brewery in okla-fucking-homo. For that, I shall forever be their enemy. And not just a cranky bitch. No. I am talking full-fledged, darkened soul, evil nemesis! Like all the superheroes have.

I think I may even build a costume for it. I mean, it is not like I have anything better to do! Maybe Julie Newmar’s CATWOMAN outfit, but with Eartha Kitt’s CATWOMAN mask…and purr! “It is tiiiiiime to clean the litter box, Batmaaaan!” Those few people that started this whole mess better be on the lookout for a large, hairy man dressed as CATWOMAN, running toward them screaming some clever feline double entendre. I can assure you that if I see any of them – anywhere in this city, I will kick them right square in the twat!

Free range eggs
Milk – whole/2%/buttermilk (for the cakes)
Cheese – cheddar/ mozzarella/ provolone/pepper jack
Olives – black

After I found the meanest attorney in town, I started looking for work. I would have loved to live on unemployment and gone back to school, but when the brewery makes up poop as an excuse to get rid of someone, that is not an option.

The last thing I shall say on the matter (for now) is “My aunt died of influenza…so they said. But it is my belief that they done the old woman in! Why should she die of influenza when she come through diphtheria right enough the year before? Fairly blue with it she was. They all thought she was dead, but my father - he kept ladling gin down her throat. Then she come to so sudden, she bit the bowl off the spoon! Now what for would a woman with that strength in her have to die of influenza? And what become of her new straw hat that should have come to me? Somebody pinched it. And what I say is – them that pinched it, done her in!”

Beans – pinto/black/kidney
Salad dressing – raspberry vinaigrette
Fake bacon bits
Croutons – garlic and cheese

Halloweenie was fun this year. Like the newly unemployed and near impoverished ex-costume designer I am, I built the M a fabulous vampiress costume from my den curtains! They were too dark anyway. Plus, they had this great jeweled fringe that I whomped the hell out of! I was trying to sew the curtain rods into the shoulders while coaching him on that fabulous Carol Burnett line - “I saw it in the window and just HAD to have it!” He did not see the humor, so we left the curtain rods out.

Except for the pink wig and fangs, he looked just like Miss Summer Holiday. Wait, she had fangs, didn’t she? Anyway, he looked just like Miss Summer Holiday that fateful night in Memphis when she lip synched to the disco version of Music Of The Night, from Phantom Of The Opera…Just one night before Shona Joy sang the same damn thing for her talent at The Miss Arkansas pageant - wearing the EXACT same dress! Seems that Miss Holiday and Miss Joy shared the same designer that year. And except for the size of the feathers, the dresses were exactly the same! What a coup! Poor Shona Joy.

Anyways, that is what the M looked like. At the party, the excitement of a “little cutie” throwing up and then passing out face down and ass up (dressed as a fireman!) in the host’s bed, was immediately curbed when some straight girl noticed that the blood on the M’s face gave his jowls the appearance of Angela Lansbury’s! He was devastated.

Water chestnuts
Rice noodles
Dragon fire sauce

Shortly after Halloweenie, we were all at THE PARK, when one of the party hosts tried to tip the dick dancer. The dancer became quite rude and borderline violent. While the other host was complaining to the bar manager, the dancer jumped down from the lit box he was jigging on, and went storming toward the host who tried to tip him. Poor C got in the way and the dancer knocked him backwards onto the floor. We could hear the “CRACK!” of C’s head over the shitty techno music! And there was blood!

The M, always in nurse mode, went to help C. The party host called 911 over the manager’s protests and the dick dancer took off running in nothing but a mesh jockstrap and sneakers into the cold, oklahomo, November night! Later, when I saw the super HOT policeman inside the bar, I thought he was the replacement dancer. I commented on how hot his costume was and he thanked me as I turned and looked out the front window to see about twelve police cars and two ambulances! I thought “That’s it, I am done!” I had visions of me in the oklahomo jail being traded away for a pack of cigs! I apologized to the hot policeman; he laughed and said “No problem.” WHEW!

The M took good care of the C and even rode with him in the ambulance. See, he is a good egg. Anyways, the C ended up with several staples in his head and no hard feelings. Although EVERYONE advised him to find a lawyer, he declined. I would have at least expected my hospital bill paid and free drinks for life!

Skinny and sweet
Meat for M – bacon/sausage/beef/more pork

Thanksgiving came and went uneventfully. Since the M had to work and could not go visit his family, I made my very first turkey. It came out ok, although the M made me swear that next time I attempt it, I should by a huge turkey injector for more butter and chicken broth. I say screw that, I want a turkey fryer!

Several friends, who were too lazy to do their own stuff, hired me to make their cakes and cookies for the holiday. That was nice…and profitable. I had no idea what a racket that whole bakery thing was! Although I had no set prices, everyone was quite generous. Most paid me about five times more than the cost to bake it all. And after about the third Italian crème cake, I had that shiz down and was moving at breakneck speed. The red velvet was a bit more complicated, but it turned out super yummy! I hope to have double the orders for Christmas!

Speaking of Christmas, there is this shitty radio station here that starts its Christmas music roundabout Halloween, and plays it 24/7 until the 26th of December. I put it on to wrap gifts as it puts me in a merry mood. Most of it is ok, but it lacks variety. I have yet to hear The Waitresses or that fab version of Jingle Bells by Streisand. They just played a third version of Little Drummer Boy. yay. I am not sure who told Amy Grant to record EVERY single holiday song, but they really deserve a good “twat kicking”! And, cheese and rice! Whose idea was it to get Stevie Nicks to do Silent Night? Ugh! The Waitresses PLEASE! If I hear Transiberian ANYTHING again, I will scream!

Paper towels
Aluminum foil
Glade – fresh linen

If you get bored, come see us at TRAMP’s. We will show you a good time. If you are lucky, you will choose a good cold night like last night. It was fuh-reezing! While running from the PHOENIX to the BOOM in hopes of singing bad scary-oke, the wind was so strong, I actually fell down! I scratched my fabulous “serial killer” glasses (M is happy), and skinned my knee and hand. People who see it probably think I was tricking on the concrete floor of the Paris Adult Entertainment Center!

Link1 spew|spit it out, hookers!

THE LIST [Jun. 3rd, 2009|04:55 pm]
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Hey, y’all.

So I did one of my infamous lists! You know…The list where I write down things that I think are really important so’s I can share them with whoever wants to read them. It actually grew out of my not being able to remember things from the previous night’s gin soaked adventures. I started jotting things down on cocktail napkins, trick cards, matchbooks…my hand. Remember, the words that are underlined or capped are what are on my list. So when my friends or coworkers see what they think might be a shopping list, their snoopy asses get all freaked out and they think I am completely mad!


Oh, it is foul! I am not sure what causes the smell (maybe actual dirty pussies?), but it is nasty. It is so awful, I only step in to get some muddy, coffee flavored water, and then I immediately run outside and start inhaling cigarette smoke up my nostrils! Inevitably, someone is reheating some rancid shit they had left over from dinner the night before, so that just adds to the funk.

Pardon me ma’am, what’s that awful stench? Are we standing near an open trench? Must be standing near an open trench…What is this? Looks like piss. Smells like piss. This is piss. Piss with ink!



Gawd, y’all, I really need to start grocery shopping in a better part of town! Going into the store, I was harassed by a crazy black woman who was sitting on a folding chair in front of a folding card table, bugging people for dough to “send inner city kids to camp”. I advised her that considering the current economic climate, it was probably not a good time to be bugging people for money. She started to get up in my face and I asked her where her 501c3 permit was hidden. She looked at me funny and went to bother different shoppers. Honestly y’all, since when is it cool to set up a table, throw a jar with some change on it and call yourself a fucking charity? Really. And what the hell is “inner city” about anything in okla-bloody-homo?!

And whycome a grocery store would let someone do that in the first place? People could be spending money inside the damn store! One of the reasons I support TARGET so much is because they totally 86’d the Salvation Army at Christmas time!

Now I will admit that I do love to scare the fuck out of those bitches, and it is even better if it is a legit charity thing. Don’t get me wrong - I totally support certain causes…The ASPCA, the Humane Society, PETA and anything gay or gay-ish. Oh, and the blind charities, but only if they are legit. If your charity does not fall under my list, you better watch the hell out...Especially during a time when my 401k is being flushed down the terlet by idiot financial managers who have no clue!

The last time the boy scouts hit me up for dough, I was at the very same grocery store. I made one of them cry! Terrible! Shame on me. Oh, what the eff ever. I was a damn boy scout, so I know what hypocrites they are. There was more gay sex going on at that “retreat” than my young eyes have ever seen!

I need to print out those ridiculous cards that the fake deaf people throw at you in the parking lot! I shall tailor the cards in a way that will really piss people off. “Hello. My name is (insert name here). I am deaf. Please consider this card with a barely legible sign language chart a gift for your kind donation. Unfortunately, your organization (insert name here), discriminates against (insert race, sex, sexual orientation here), so you need to kindly eff off. Thank you.”

I went inside the store and chatted with this lovely young gal named K’inquita (see Bob, you thought that was a made up name!) about this scary black woman. She said she would take care of it and she did! By the time I left the store, that old hag was carting her chair, table and coin jar down to the Ace hardware store to bilk more ignorant shoppers.


So, this “no animal protein” thing is working out better than I thought. I am discovering all sorts of fun things to do with vegetables. Ok…that sounded kind of naughty! HA! So’s anyhoo, there I was, picking out some nice roma tomatoes and thinking I may treat myself to some cheese that evening, when I saw it. When I say “it”, I really mean IT! This woman was HUGE! AND, she was sitting on the cheese display! You know, that shelf thing that sort of juts out. And it was not the shitty processed cheese product that she was sitting on, it was the real stuff! And she was so large! Y’all, her ass was totally sucking up my provolone, sharp cheddar, jalapeno jack AND the baby swiss! The man she was with was picking up a big bag of potatoes (like they really needed them!) and she looked plumb tuckered! I was livid. I started to say something, then I thought better of it because apparently…



When the hell did that happen? I started think that she deserved a few kudos for actually TRYING to walk around the grocery store instead of using one of those damn electric, hovaround looking carts. K’inquita later told me the cow had complained about the carts, but I will get to that in a jiff.


So, guess what I found in the produce aisle, right next to the tofu?! A whole shelf lined with those little 6 ounce, plastic deli containers filled with pre-chopped vegetables! You might remember last year, right around the time of gay pride/folk-singing-lesbian drum circle week, I had written about my encounter in the produce section with a very loud, LOUD, white Christmas trash chick who was complaining about not being able to find things that were pre-sliced/chopped and how she was going to have to chop/slice her own “damn fixin’s” for the barbeque she was planning. I had oodles of fun at her expense as I thought that her rants were the most ridiculous things I had heard in a long time. Well, now they have them! And they are some expensive bitches! The cheapest thing was diced white onion for $1.50. They are only fifty cents a pound whole! I wish I had thought of it first! The pre-sliced yellow squash is $2.50!

So, I had already made it through the store for everything I needed (except for the shitty movies at the redbox) when I remembered that I needed some of that brilliant garlic and herb focaccia bread from the bakery. I noticed that the cheese cow lady was (only) on aisle two loading up her cart with those big-ass bottles of soda. What a shock! I realized that she is the reason we probably should implement that soda tax that has been getting so much news coverage lately. Ugh. She is probably also the reason my insurance has gone up and my 401k has gone down. I was totally hating on her by the time I left. Big, old, fat, cheese sitting bitch!

So, I stop at the redbox to pick up a bad movie then over to the…


What a big bucket of fuck that was! It took forever because they were out of everything and after they had stocked what I needed (eggplant tofu and Chinese vegetables), they sort of forgot I was standing there and everyone was helping people at the drive through. Bitches! After we ate, I found their nutrition guide and discovered my eggplant tofu is one of the worst things on the menu! Who knew?! It has more fat, sugar and salt than any of their other food items.

panda express Pictures, Images and Photos 


I was so disturbed about that big ass, cheese sitter, when I got home I called the store to tell Miss K’inquita that she ought to throw out hundreds of dollars of cheese, and why. She said, “Shut up, girl!...that same old cow was seen sitting on the meat too!” I said “That is what they usually say about me! HA!” She said “You crazy!” Then she went on to tell me about how the same lady was cussing her earlier because the two electric carts were being used by a couple of severely old, OLD and feeble women. And how this “cheese sitter” was giving her a speech about disability rights and the law etc. jesus, mary and joseph!



So after all that, I decided to sit on the porch to read, smoke and wait for the stuff I had ordered from barnes and noble! I made sure to sit in a way so’s that the UPS guy could see up my shorts, cause I am filthy rotten like that. I watched him drive up and down our street, so I knew he was a damn hottie. I was getting quite impatient as I knew the poor guy was confused as hell. Whoever designed the streets here must have been smoking black tar heroin! NW 36th street, NW 36th drive, NW 36th terrace, NW 36th circle…You get the picture. Maybe he was lost…Or maybe he was driving back and forth so’s he could look up my shorts as often as he could. Whatever. Blah blah blah.



Last night we met the G and his trick (Benito?) out for a couple of drinks. That couple of drinks turned into a crazy bar crawl, in search of bad scary-oke. Some nice lezbeans bought us shots. We ended up at the COPA, which is my least favorite place, and Binquita bought us a beer bust. Ugh! Anyhoo, they write your name on your glass like you are in kindergarten. My name for the night was ROTTEN SNATCH. Everyone seemed to think it was pretty fitting…jealous bitches! Tuesday is the amateur strip contest and we conned the G into doing it, but by about 1:30 in the ayem, he still had not gone on, so we ditched the place. And, no, I did not…


Like I did on Sunday! AARRGGHH! I find that the vegetarian thing works well, except when one is drinking excessively! Whoops. Poor M. Poor M’s little Mazda! Todd, remember that little incident in your truck a hundred years ago? I did it again!

We had left the PARK to go pick up some booze to take home, so we could be good hosts, y’see. I guess I thought I was Edina Monsoon all night. When we stopped at the Indian shell station (india indians, not native American Indians), they were all inside and when they came out, I was hanging out the passenger side door with my chin on the bottom of the door frame staring at the pavement covered in my sick! When the girls tried to help me up I screamed “I HAVE ARMS”, while waving them erratically. Then on the way home, I had a lovely “projectile” moment that would have made Linda Blair proud!

Yes, I washed the M’s car (a couple of days later!), and scrubbed and vac’d the carpet on the inside of the door for good measure. The next day, on the way to work, I stopped for some cigs at the shell station and the little Indian gal asked me “Are you going to make sick on my parking lot again?” I screamed! It was effing hilarious with the accent! I told her “You must have mistaken me for someone else.” And “What a horrible thing for someone to do…This whole town is filled with insane alcoholics.”…etc.

Link1 spew|spit it out, hookers!

THAT'S ENTERTAINMENT [May. 24th, 2009|09:43 am]
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A little less noise, darling, your Auntie Mame is hung!

Auntie Mame Pictures, Images and Photos

Lordy, y’all! That was just about a wild night!

I just went outside with the dogs and noticed I still had on my “old man” dress socks from last night. Stumbling about the yard in the M’s garden flip flops, with dress socks, sunglasses on, a cigarette in my mouth and coffee in hand, while screeching at the puppies to “BE NICE BITCHES!” as they went running toward our cute neighbor’s big ass Doberman. I looked like my Aunt June…only not quite as hung over, and minus the mumu and hair rollers!

First things first though…Am I the only one what watches SELL THIS HOUSE? I really like that show. Maybe it is hot, bear daddy Roger. I don’t know. It is certainly NOT that scrawny whore, Tanya…OK, don’t tell anyone, but I really like that Tanya too! Anyhoo, they were in Salt Lake City this morning and that scrawny whore Tanya says “Welcome to SELL THIS HOUSE! Today we are in salt lake city where Faith needs our help!” I thought that was a scream. Well, Faith turned out to be one of those tacky straight cows who does not know how to clean and stage her house to get it sold. She could have axed her gay fiancé. That was why she was selling her house…So she could get married and move in with her cute, gay, mormon fiancé.

That show cracks my face! That Roger is fabulously mean! When he does the “walk through” and says stuff like “Oh god, did I just step into Morticia Addams’ bedroom?!” And then, all the open house guests say things like “UGH…It looks like a damn funeral home!” Craziness, y’all!

And speaking of television…That WRETCHED Guy Fieri was here the other day to do a couple of Diners, Drive ins and Dives. He was pestering the folks at Ingrid’s Kitchen. Ingrid’s is a delightful little German restaurant near the clubs. Really yummy. Anyhoo, everyone said that Guy was a royal SNATCH!

Guy Fieri Pictures, Images and Photos

So, last night, I took the M to see THE LION KING. It was a belated birthday gift. And although I normally hate ALL things Disney, I am always fascinated by Julie Taymor’s work. And although I normally hate all things Elton John, I am always fascinated by all the extra funky African music. The M enjoyed it thoroughly. Unfortunately, for the last week of performances, there were no two seats available that were next to one another, so the M had to sit a row or so away from me. Poor thing got stuck on a row with a doctor (who could not shut off his cell phone), his wife and two or three of their rotten chilrun’s. Poor M. Maybe I do not understand the “kid” thing, but why would anyone BRING children to the theatre in the first place? And if one is going to bring children to the theatre, why in HELL would you buy them orchestra seats? I say the little fuckers should HAVE to sit in the last row of the last balcony until they learn how to act! Honestly.

I got stuck by these two hillbilly gals that turned out to be funny as hell. We chatted pleasantly before and after the show. They were wearing their best zebra striped print blouses, smart black slacks and an ASSLOAD of big (BIG) jewelries made of black plastic and/or gold. They talked of their knuckle dragging, mouth breathing husbands who refused to come to the show. One of the gals said she had tried to trick her man by telling him it was a monster truck rally, but when he saw her ticket and the price, he thought he would have to dress up, so he suggested she take her sister instead…Which is what she did. She said it was ok, because she was gong to have to watch the kids while he and his pals went to the rodeo this weekend. I told her that the only rodeo in town over the holiday was the International Gay Rodeo; she said she wouldn’t tell him and that maybe he would find himself a big, horse riding drag queen to run off with and she would be free. We had quite a chuckle over that.

Gay rodeo Pictures, Images and Photos

We had stopped by the TRAMP’s on the way to the show, so all the happy hour fags could laugh at our ties. The BL advised us that we were overdressed for theatre in oklahomo…And he was right! I do not know WHAT, in gay hell, some of these people were thinking. Really, y’all, I do not get paying $75 to $125 for a seat and then showing up in a t-shirt and flip flops to occupy that seat. What if that one were to run into that hot, single lawyer one has had their eye on? After he sees you dressed like that, do you think he is EVER going to call?
And yes, I did see one man wearing big, farmer overalls. That really blew me away. And it was not like he was a muscled hottie, wearing the overalls without a shirt and letting one strap hang down to expose his sweet pec. Not that THAT would make it socially acceptable, but it would have been nice to look at.

After the show, we ran back to the TRAMP’s for a teeny martooni with a couple of pals. That whole block was hopping. Must have been all the gay rodeo boys.

Well it's true! Pictures, Images and Photos

It was so crowded, the M had to parallel park on the street. You know it had to be bad if Miss Dorothy actually WALKED from the TRAMP’s to the Habana Inn, and then immediately walked back! She wanted her seat back, so we blew that absolut mandarin popsicle stand and headed to the PARK. After a couple of drinkies there, I had gone to the bathroom and when I came out, the lights were on. 2am already.

A bunch of people were going to the young’un’s after hours club, but the people I was with opted for IHOP – which I hate. And not just any IHOP…no. They wanted to go to the one on the way far, ass end of the city. Yes, it is just as bad as the other one. Food was ok, but the service was totally awful. Maybe, I am just being bitchy because I am only eating meat one day a week now, and although my onion rings and side salad were ok, the M’s country fried steak breakfast – with eggs, hash browns and pancakes, looked awfully good!

Country Fried Steak Pictures, Images and Photos

Anyhoo, I am over it today. I need to hurry up and get to grocery store before the god people get there.

If anyone is interested, we will be at the PARK for the all-you-care-to-drink beer buffet today. It goes from 3pm until 7pm with food and dick dancers around 5-ish. Feel free to stop by and join.
Linkspit it out, hookers!

HEE HEE! [May. 19th, 2009|10:51 pm]
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Between our MONDAY NIGHT - MOVIE NIGHT, and regular TV tonight...(continued below)

I am about ready to chuck life as I know it and go back in time to Arkansas State (circa 1990) just to hang out with Sandy Seay and her TRIBAL TONES! I would even tolerate all the closet queers, like James Mott and the rest of the (straight?) male vocal majors, just to have a chance to sing along to her "hepped up" arrangement of A CHORUS LINE...THE MEDLEY!

Or to Oklahoma Christian University for Miss Goldstein and her delightful SPRING SING EXTRAVAGANZA!

I am afraid there are only a few people I know who quite understand...And there really should be more.

Link2 spews|spit it out, hookers!

VELAMINTS, ROACH SPRAY, PIZZA, SHIZ [May. 16th, 2009|01:10 pm]
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Velamints took the sugar out
You can really taste the mint!
So fresh, they take your breath away
Cool, refreshing Velamints!

Isn’t it funny the things we remember? Misty, water colored memories…

I could not get that damn Velamints jingle out of my head yesterday! I even tried to “push” it out by humming other things, but I always came back to cool, refreshing Velamints. You young bitches have no idea about which I hum…do you? Velamints are still around, I think. I have not thought about them since the last time I saw the commercial…1977-ish? Anyway, the manufacturer (German, I think) started pushing them in the mid 70’s. I honestly think they were the first sugar free breath mint produced. And who knows WHAT they were sweetened with? Insert tumor causing chemical here. All the overweight housewives in America figured they would look like Cathy Lee Crosby if they consumed them.

Wasn’t that her on the commercial? It was after she played WONDER WOMAN…But before THAT’s INCREDIBLE. See, another funny I remember! What concerns me most is WHAT, exactly did my brain flush out so it could retain all that useless shit I just spit out? Algebra? Chemistry? Sunday school?

roach reppin Pictures, Images and Photos

So after a looong day at the brewery, humming the Velamints jingle, I forced myself to sing my other favorite jingle on the drive home…The TNT ROACH SPRAY song! It is very possibly my favorite commercial of all time! I am really surprised that I cannot find it on youttube! There was a glamorous nightclub, singing gal in a red sequined dress, with a microphone. She looked right into the camera and sang…

Roaches I give you a warning, don’t look at TNT
Cause if you look at TNT, it’s the last sight you’ll ever see!
TNT has dynamite spray, the kind that blows the roach away
That roach has lived his final day on earth!
Roaches, I gave you a warning, don’t look at TNT
But you did…now you’re dead!
Cause TNT is the last sight a roach ever sees!

Anyhoo…I also have frequent visions of THE LOVE BOAT and all the guest stars. Like, Carol Channing, Ethel Merman (Gopher’s mom!), Florence Henderson and of course, CHARO!

So, the M and I decided to go visit the Heather at THE WEDGE. The new one near Bricktown. Very fabulicious menu! Although, we had only gone for drinks, the Heather supplied the M with his favorite – the meatballs. They looked and smelled delightful, but I opted for their cheesy flatbread. The man next to me ordered a huge-ass pizza with arugula, goat cheese and prosciutto. I thought I was going to wet myself!

That was probably the only time in my life, where I almost gave up the gin for food! Thank god I came to my senses!

Go visit the Heather at the wedge and tell her I sent you. Y’see, she gave me a hat so I could advertise free for her, so I figure I should get at least 10 people in there to cover the cost of the hat. It is at 230 NE 1st Street near Bricktown, very close to the outrageously expensive apartments. Or go visit the other Heather at the original at 4709 N Western Avenue. The Wedge ALMOST makes being in oklahomo bearable! Check the site and drool over the menu!


Afterwards, we visited the TRAMP’s for a fun filled evening of silly fags and lots of over pouring! The scary bears were there and they were just as terrifying as ever! There are 3 or 4 of them in one relationship and apparently, they share.
Oh dear, but they were like octopuses! Just as someone would wriggle free of one, the other would start in! It reminded me of the old, OLD Throckmorton Mining Company…when I was the youngest and the prettiest thing in there. Well, ok, I was not the youngest or the prettiest, but with that drop-down cave like ceiling and little to no lighting, I would get felt up as though I was the youngest and the prettiest! Anyways, these guys always remind me of those days.

the Queer Bears Pictures, Images and Photos

The highlight of the evening had to have been pretty bartender Chad dragging a crazy, hetero woman from the club! Really…DRAGGING! It was most exciting. She had been slung up on one end of the bar complaining about bartender Troy. Bitch could not even try to shut her pie hole. At some point, everyone had had enough and when they tried to make her leave, she would not, so pretty Chad grabbed her by the arm, at which point she promptly fell to the ground and would not move. She looked like someone who had slipped at the walmarts and just lays there, hoping to gain witnesses for the lawsuit! So pretty Chad grabs her wrist and pulls her big ass to, then out the door. It was kinda rough looking, but she probably did not feel a thing.

OOOOH! I almost forgot! The other night the M and I could find nothing on television to watch, so we went to the pay-per-movie channel. I insisted on BAD GIRLS FROM MARS, and it did not disappoint! It goes on my “I highly recommend” list! It was almost as good as TRAILER PARK OF TERROR. Go find them both. Now!

OK...the whole movie (BGFM) is actually available on hulu, but I think it deserves a bigger screen!

Trailer Park of Terror Pictures, Images and Photos
Linkspit it out, hookers!

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